I have had a goatee or other beardy arrangement since 2001, when I turned 30. The main reason was the aftermath of a play in which I was cast as Donatella Versace. Playing a woman is a painful, depilatory, foot-binding, stilt-walking horror that I never want to experience again. Also, my fat face does not show as many signs of ageing as a thin one would, and I was forever being mistaken for a 20-something flibbertigibbet -- when I really wanted to be taken seriously as a mature thirty-year-old. (In hindsight, my behaviour and not my beardlessness may have been responsible for the frequent misapprehension of my maturity).

So, having had this beardy business for some time now, Movember doesn't present so much a problem for my face, as it does for my pants. There is something deliciously sexual about a fur-surrounded mouth.

I don't know if it's because, during my sexually formative years, I was at school with a lot of European boys, who all had mo's by Year 9. Perhaps it's that a porn 'stache reminds me of the first dirty pictures I ever cracked a fat over. It could be memories of the excitement I felt during puberty, watching the Kool Mint commercial, and seeing a white ball disappear into the mouth of a moustachioed man. Maybe it's the simple fact that a thick thatch on the lip indicates you are looking at a fully-grown adult male chock-full of testosterone. (As opposed to some wispy limp twink with a Zac Efron blowwave).

It has been quite the perve-fest as we cross the Movember half-way mark, and men start to manicure their mouths. There is, of course, the Movember tragedy; the poor soul who realises too late that his moustache is a mo-stake. Thin, straggly bits of barely-there bumfluff. Ginger business down south, with a much darker hue upstairs. Asymmetrical bald patches.

The biggest tragedy is that, while a sometimes ordinary looking man can be elevated to hotness by simply refraining from shaving, others are not so lucky. Witness the ordinarily attractive man that, with a few hairs on his top lip, resembles not so much a seventies porn star, but more a modern-day stalker, date-rapist or paedophile. You've probably got one at your workplace!

Feel free to send me pics of your friends or colleagues with their 'gone wrong' mo!

Movember - there's something in it for everyone!