Standing Around in my Underpants


I take my clothes off in front of people a lot. Anybody who has worked with me for any length of time (yes, even a minute) has had the misfortune to have been brown-eyed by me at some point or another. It’s shocking and unexpected, the first few times, and for some reason it always makes people laugh. The fact is, because I am fat, polite society tells me I should be hiding my grotesque arse away from sight under several layers of clothing. Polite society also told me not to be too much of a show-off or put cocks in my mouth, so you can see that the mooning was inevitable.

Bridges Fail


Well, Michelle Bridges was a bust. I think I have actually PUT ON weight! Probably because I couldn’t bring myself to do the exercises. I know Bridges will call all of these things I am about to tell you ‘excuses,’ but that is an extremely reductive way to describe deep-seated emotional difficulties that lead to binge eating and depressive laziness.

I gave myself the odd day off early in the program, because it was the silly season, lots of work breakups and the like, and the odd day off turned into just ditching the program altogether. Here are the main reasons I found it hard to complete:
Every single recipe is for 2 or more people. 
Halving recipes is a brain strain. You’ve all done it. You think you’re halving everything, it’s all going along well, and then you realise you’ve used the regular amount of just one ingredient, usually a really stinky one, and it throws the whole meal out of whack. Let’s not even pretend I could stomach the curry I made that tasted entirely of kaffir lime. This was a curry that I was required to eat FOUR TIMES THROUGHOUT THE WEEK.

Week 1: Friday


Friday Week 1

Well, yesterday was a disaster. I had to go to the Telstra shop to pick up my phone which was in for repair. This did not take the 15-20 minutes I had allotted. It took nearly 90. They wouldn’t let me leave before it synched with the gmail server. Tedious. Then when I did finally leave, the phone started exhibiting all the problems it had which made me take it in to begin with. So I had to go back. The staff at the Telstra shop, I should stress, were very helpful and informative, and they seemed just as frustrated with the repair centre as I was. They sent the phone off again, and I finally booted off for home via the supermarket. I was going to walk to the train station to get to a film screening booked in for 3pm, but the dilly dallying at the phone shop meant I had to drive. I also didn’t get to cook my lunch, so I had the bowl of cereal originally slated for breakfast.

Week 1: Thursday


Thursday Week 1

Got home yesterday and ate my leftover chickpea burgers with yoghurt and spinach, and then (finally) did my measuring up and fitness test. Didn’t buy a tape measure, so I was applying the cold steel measuring tape to my hairy abdomen. Thankfully, there are several inches of fat stopping me from feeling anything cold applied to my gut. 
I didn’t get to make dinner until 7:30pm, which is stupidly late for someone who goes to bed at 8. It was for this reason, on top of the desperate 8am hunger dip, that I have decided to reverse my meals. I am having dinner or lunch for breakfast, and saving the brekkies (including those spectacular ricotta and berry bruschettas) for dinner. So, for breakfast this morning? Beef Fajita! Rather than using the shop-bought mexican spice as suggested in the recipe, I made my own using chipotle, chili powder, paprika, cumin, garlic flakes, onion powder, salt and pepper - that way I can control the level of heat - you can make a batch and jar it yourself, or just make it bespoke each time. I prefer hot with beef, but only mild with chicken, for instance, which is why I make it new each time.

Week 1: Wednesday


Wednesday Week 1

I just got an email from the program telling me I need to weigh myself every Wednesday morning as soon as I get out of bed. Before I eat or anything. Unfortunately, I was already at work by the time it arrived. I’ve eaten, I’ve coffeed twice. I’ve sworn at people. Things like this make me feel like I’ve failed before I’ve started. This turns into a train of negative thought that ends in a burned sphincter. Sounds implausible? Not at all - this is how my mind works: How was I unaware that Wednesday was weigh-in day? Did I misread a page? Was that a video I didn’t watch? I am useless at this! I should never have started! I’m going to eat a pizza. Right now. Go straight to Baker’s Delight and push one of those hot chili mexican pizzas into my face, which I will regret for hours, including when it burns on the way out as well as the way in. Despondency can just jump up and grab me by the throat at any point. That’s why I need to keep writing this insufferable blog. Every time I actually write down the things I am feeling that cause me to eat badly, I realise that I don’t actually want to eat those things. What I want is that little thrill I get when I eat a bad thing. That release of brain chemicals that makes me feel better when I eat a whole block of chocolate, chemicals that are able to obliterate the “Oh my god! I just ate a whole block of chocolate!” feeling.
Despite being impossibly exhausted today, I have to go to the market this morning. I’ve planned my shopping, and I am determined to get on track. I will buy a tape measure and do all my measurements and take a photo of my fat arse and upload it to the the internet. My only problem is that I’m really hungry and I’ve run out of fruit. I’m existing on coffee today. The breakfasts aren’t big enough. I need to eat something at 4am that will keep me going until 10 or 11am. Maybe, after a week or two, my body will adjust to the little morsels.

Week 1: Tuesday


Tuesday Week 1

Ugh. Didn’t manage proper cardio yesterday, but I did get in 12000 steps according to my pedometer. Many of those were up and down the stairs at The Toff. It’s on the second floor and the stairs are steep. I did them 5 times between 5pm and 6pm and a final trip down, plus the walk between the train and home (about 1km each way). Never mind that I danced on stage for much of the show! In a onesie. I was totes damp.
Today, I ate all the food I was meant to. I didn’t like the look of a carrot wrap, so I just repeated yesterday’s ham and corn relish wrap. Dinner was delicious, but not enough food. Until I saw that I could have a whole extra chickpea pattie! Just because I’m a man. I love being a man. More food for me. Om nom nom.
Was dead tired today, and had intended doing yesterday’s cardio plus today’s toning, but it just wasn’t happening. I got through the cardio, but then I needed to sleep. I only had 4 hrs sleep last night.
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