I wrote this for the Erotic Fan Fiction event at Sydney's Giant Dwarf Theatre on February 16, 2017. Also performing that night were the wonderful Jo Thornely (who imagined a Scientology tryst between two of the highest, but not tallest, members of the organisation), the delightful Rowdie Walden (who shipped a pair of white-clad newsreaders fighting over a jacket), the magnificent Tracey Spicer (who introduced us to the concept of a bizarre conservative Q club key party - all while snapping the air with a bullwhip!) and our genial host, Eddie Sharp, who, dressed as Enya's vagina, took us on a whimsical journey of filthy Irish cliches.
Once again, I completely misread the brief for FanFiction Comedy. I've been a guest in this NZ-originated show for nearly five years now, so you think I'd remember the 'comedy' part of the title, instead of writing mournful, soul-searching stories about my favourite characters. Anyway, there were a couple of laughs in there, more than I was expecting to be honest. This is an idea I've had for about a bazillion years. If I had the time, I'd explore it properly, rather than just jumping out where I do. Hope you like it.
I was invited to perform at an Erotic Fan Fiction event at The Wheeler Centre on Thursday, 4th October 2012 alongside Benjamin Law, Angie Hart, Briohny Doyle and hosted by John Leary. I had way too many dirty thoughts about way too many characters before I settled on these. I thought I might do Game of Thrones, but it is already so riddled with incest and paedophilia, ordinary sex seemed tame. Then I wondered if a story about Hamish doing Andy in a pillow fort would be appropriate? Perhaps not, given we have the same employer. I'm sure there's something in the staff handbook forbidding erotic fan fiction about the Friday drive show. Then I wondered if something from the world of Doctor Who might be appropriate, with Dalek suckers being utilised in all sorts of profane ways. That seemed altogether too bizarre. In the end, I opted for Downton Abbey. There is one relationship in that show that has always baffled me, because it is never explained just what their deep bond is. So I have imagined one. In keeping with the style of Downton, it takes AGES to get to anything even remotely juicy.
WARNING This story contains very graphic sexual content, and is almost definitely NSFW, or anywhere else for that matter...
Wil Anderson asked me to participate in the first FanFiction Comedy show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on 31st March 2012. He'd seen the show in NZ and decided to bring it to Melbourne. The hilarious and whimsical pieces by the other contributors included stories about Batman's Bat Bong, Sex and the City (on the Gold Coast), the Hufflepuff Badger from Harry Potter, and a love story from Junior Masterchef: Australia. My grandmother passed away while I was writing, so I ended up spewing all of that into a Doctor Who story about Sarah Jane Smith when she was travelling with the Tom Baker incarnation of The Doctor.
This is a story I wrote in 1996 while enrolled in the Professional Writing and Editing course at RMIT. It was one of the winners of the Outrage Magazine Short Story Competition in 1996 in the category "Best Short Story by a writer under 25." It deals with themes of loss and grief, and the effect they have on our perception of time, which appear frequently in my work.