Adam Richard - creator/writer/star of Outland
Week 1: Wednesday
Submitted by Adam on Fri, 23/11/2012 - 07:51
Wednesday Week 1
I just got an email from the program telling me I need to weigh myself every Wednesday morning as soon as I get out of bed. Before I eat or anything. Unfortunately, I was already at work by the time it arrived. I’ve eaten, I’ve coffeed twice. I’ve sworn at people. Things like this make me feel like I’ve failed before I’ve started. This turns into a train of negative thought that ends in a burned sphincter. Sounds implausible? Not at all - this is how my mind works: How was I unaware that Wednesday was weigh-in day? Did I misread a page? Was that a video I didn’t watch? I am useless at this! I should never have started! I’m going to eat a pizza. Right now. Go straight to Baker’s Delight and push one of those hot chili mexican pizzas into my face, which I will regret for hours, including when it burns on the way out as well as the way in. Despondency can just jump up and grab me by the throat at any point. That’s why I need to keep writing this insufferable blog. Every time I actually write down the things I am feeling that cause me to eat badly, I realise that I don’t actually want to eat those things. What I want is that little thrill I get when I eat a bad thing. That release of brain chemicals that makes me feel better when I eat a whole block of chocolate, chemicals that are able to obliterate the “Oh my god! I just ate a whole block of chocolate!” feeling.
Despite being impossibly exhausted today, I have to go to the market this morning. I’ve planned my shopping, and I am determined to get on track. I will buy a tape measure and do all my measurements and take a photo of my fat arse and upload it to the the internet. My only problem is that I’m really hungry and I’ve run out of fruit. I’m existing on coffee today. The breakfasts aren’t big enough. I need to eat something at 4am that will keep me going until 10 or 11am. Maybe, after a week or two, my body will adjust to the little morsels.
When I got to the Preston Market I was assaulted by the smell of hot jam donuts and pizza. How can being healthy be this hard? Why are there so many delicious obstacles to buying carrots? The gnawing pain in my stomach was calling to me ‘ONLY A SLICE OF PIZZA CAN CURE THIS! NOTHING WILL FILL THIS GAPING HOLE - ONLY CHEESEY MEATY BREAD! PIZZZZZZAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!’
You don’t know the kind of willpower it took to walk past the pizza, walk past the taco van, walk past the hot jam donuts and the handmade gozleme and buy two bananas. On the upside, it only cost me a dollar. So much cheaper than all of those other alleged snacks (they’re whole meals, but I was prepared to eat one as a snack, because I’m a boombah). I ate one banana, and then after half an hour, I ate the other one. I bought all my veg and seeds and other healthy malarkey Bridges insists I need in my cupboard. Even dates. Do you know how hard it is for someone with a finely tuned innuendo valve to buy dates with a straight face?