Pash Monster

I?m a Pash Monster. I?m frightening and insatiable in my pursuit of pash. This past weekend, many poor innocent people fell victim to a furious face mashing. No doubt it is excessively distressing for them. Mostly because they?re very rarely people I?m actually interested in. I only ever flirt with people I assume I have no chance with. Straight men, men in relationships, Australian Idol rejects.
***
I love pashing, however. It?s my favourite thing in the world. I don?t even necessarily want to have sex with many of the people I pash off with, I just like pashing. Sometimes you get down to the act, and the pashing stops ? which is horrific, because that?s generally how you got into that position in the first place. Well, there are some positions that prove prohibitive to the pash, but I?m sure the last thing you need in your mind?s eye is the image of me contorting myself in the act of fat hairy man sex.
***
The Pash Monster was out in full force this weekend, convincing all and sundry that I am not only happy to pash on like a fifteen year old halfway through a goon of Moselle, but that I am quite skilled to boot. I?m a great kisser. Really. I?m not talking myself up, I?m just being honest. I am, to put it bluntly, pashtastic. Ask anyone. Really, anyone. It?s quite possible I?ve pashed the person sitting right next to you.
***
This weekend, I have convinced many people to indulge in the infamous Adam Richard pash. I pashed someone?s boyfriend ? which after the events of the last few weeks, is becoming something of a pattern. I convinced a straight guy that he should pash me because beards are softer than they look. I pashed a dwarf, because I was sitting on the floor and he was at the right height. I pashed some guy on a dancefloor because Mariah was on ? a remix of We Belong Together, I have to pash when that song comes on. After a certain hour of the night, there was very likely more pashing. Just not sure who with. It gets blurry.
***
I often offer to pash celebrities that I interview ? which bewilders them. Especially the American ones. They have little, or no, idea what a pash even is. If you happen to be one of the hundreds of foreign celebrities who read my blog, hoping against hope I may say something complimentary about you, here is an attempt at an explanation. A pash is a kiss. A deep passionate kiss ? and I gather the colloquialism is derived from the word passionate. What the brits call a snog, and the yanks call a French Kiss. Who knows what the French call it. The only French word I know is baguette, which in Australia is a French Stick.
***
Well, best to get out on that ludicrous double entendre.
***
Be good, and don?t break anything
***
Mwah
***
ad/.