I cannot even begin to explain the level of anticipation I have for 2014. Mostly due to how excited I am to begin my new job as Team Captain on Spicks and Specks. Working with Josh Earl and Ella Hooper these last couple of months has been a truly joyous experience.
I've already shared my feelings on approaching the final ever Matt and Jo Show. For those of you that missed it, here is my final speech from that final show. Transcript (well, the script I was attempting read off before I got sidetracked) is below. I was inconsolable while writing this. Tears and great wracking sobs tore me apart for hours as I attempted to read it out aloud to myself, to make sure it made sense. It needed a name so I could find it in the cloud, and the speech is titled, hilariously, Fox Hat. Intro is courtesy of Jeremiah Busniak. Thanks for ten wonderful years to Matt Tilley, Jo Stanley and Troy Ellis. If you want to hear their speeches, they are at Radio Today.
It’s been ten years. An entire decade. More than a third of my life, if you are gullible enough to believe my lies about my age. In reality, it is almost a quarter. That is a terrifying thought. A quarter of my existence has been spent waking up at horror o’clock in the morning to go talk shit about Lindsay Lohan and her ilk. I’ve loved every minute I’ve spent with Jo Stanley, Matt Tilley and Troy Ellis. The on-air part of working on the show has been magnificent. Insane belly laughs. Jo once described it as a daily chuckle club. So therapeutic. Given how much work we always put in to the show, the laughter, rather than salary, seemed like the real payment. There were tears, there was anger, there was frustration, there were interminable meetings that were so boring that they could have hypnotised chickens into crumbing and frying themselves, but inside the bubble of the studio, there was nothing but laughter.
It was a bubble. There was an insane kind of safety in knowing we were in a sound-proof room.
I will be plummeting toward water over the next few weeks as part of the cast for Channel 7's Celebrity Splash. I've only had two training sessions and I am already in severe agony. These old knees were not meant to be put through this kind of torture.
Having said that, I am having the best fun. It's always exciting learning something new, and this is one of the most thrilling things you could possibly do! Besides, when is it not fun going to the pool?
I take my clothes off in front of people a lot. Anybody who has worked with me for any length of time (yes, even a minute) has had the misfortune to have been brown-eyed by me at some point or another. It’s shocking and unexpected, the first few times, and for some reason it always makes people laugh. The fact is, because I am fat, polite society tells me I should be hiding my grotesque arse away from sight under several layers of clothing. Polite society also told me not to be too much of a show-off or put cocks in my mouth, so you can see that the mooning was inevitable.
Well, Michelle Bridges was a bust. I think I have actually PUT ON weight! Probably because I couldn’t bring myself to do the exercises. I know Bridges will call all of these things I am about to tell you ‘excuses,’ but that is an extremely reductive way to describe deep-seated emotional difficulties that lead to binge eating and depressive laziness.
I gave myself the odd day off early in the program, because it was the silly season, lots of work breakups and the like, and the odd day off turned into just ditching the program altogether. Here are the main reasons I found it hard to complete:
Every single recipe is for 2 or more people.
Halving recipes is a brain strain. You’ve all done it. You think you’re halving everything, it’s all going along well, and then you realise you’ve used the regular amount of just one ingredient, usually a really stinky one, and it throws the whole meal out of whack. Let’s not even pretend I could stomach the curry I made that tasted entirely of kaffir lime. This was a curry that I was required to eat FOUR TIMES THROUGHOUT THE WEEK.