Well, yesterday was a disaster. I had to go to the Telstra shop to pick up my phone which was in for repair. This did not take the 15-20 minutes I had allotted. It took nearly 90. They wouldn’t let me leave before it synched with the gmail server. Tedious. Then when I did finally leave, the phone started exhibiting all the problems it had which made me take it in to begin with. So I had to go back. The staff at the Telstra shop, I should stress, were very helpful and informative, and they seemed just as frustrated with the repair centre as I was. They sent the phone off again, and I finally booted off for home via the supermarket. I was going to walk to the train station to get to a film screening booked in for 3pm, but the dilly dallying at the phone shop meant I had to drive. I also didn’t get to cook my lunch, so I had the bowl of cereal originally slated for breakfast.
Got home yesterday and ate my leftover chickpea burgers with yoghurt and spinach, and then (finally) did my measuring up and fitness test. Didn’t buy a tape measure, so I was applying the cold steel measuring tape to my hairy abdomen. Thankfully, there are several inches of fat stopping me from feeling anything cold applied to my gut.
I didn’t get to make dinner until 7:30pm, which is stupidly late for someone who goes to bed at 8. It was for this reason, on top of the desperate 8am hunger dip, that I have decided to reverse my meals. I am having dinner or lunch for breakfast, and saving the brekkies (including those spectacular ricotta and berry bruschettas) for dinner. So, for breakfast this morning? Beef Fajita! Rather than using the shop-bought mexican spice as suggested in the recipe, I made my own using chipotle, chili powder, paprika, cumin, garlic flakes, onion powder, salt and pepper - that way I can control the level of heat - you can make a batch and jar it yourself, or just make it bespoke each time. I prefer hot with beef, but only mild with chicken, for instance, which is why I make it new each time.
I just got an email from the program telling me I need to weigh myself every Wednesday morning as soon as I get out of bed. Before I eat or anything. Unfortunately, I was already at work by the time it arrived. I’ve eaten, I’ve coffeed twice. I’ve sworn at people. Things like this make me feel like I’ve failed before I’ve started. This turns into a train of negative thought that ends in a burned sphincter. Sounds implausible? Not at all - this is how my mind works: How was I unaware that Wednesday was weigh-in day? Did I misread a page? Was that a video I didn’t watch? I am useless at this! I should never have started! I’m going to eat a pizza. Right now. Go straight to Baker’s Delight and push one of those hot chili mexican pizzas into my face, which I will regret for hours, including when it burns on the way out as well as the way in. Despondency can just jump up and grab me by the throat at any point. That’s why I need to keep writing this insufferable blog. Every time I actually write down the things I am feeling that cause me to eat badly, I realise that I don’t actually want to eat those things. What I want is that little thrill I get when I eat a bad thing. That release of brain chemicals that makes me feel better when I eat a whole block of chocolate, chemicals that are able to obliterate the “Oh my god! I just ate a whole block of chocolate!” feeling.
Despite being impossibly exhausted today, I have to go to the market this morning. I’ve planned my shopping, and I am determined to get on track. I will buy a tape measure and do all my measurements and take a photo of my fat arse and upload it to the the internet. My only problem is that I’m really hungry and I’ve run out of fruit. I’m existing on coffee today. The breakfasts aren’t big enough. I need to eat something at 4am that will keep me going until 10 or 11am. Maybe, after a week or two, my body will adjust to the little morsels.
Ugh. Didn’t manage proper cardio yesterday, but I did get in 12000 steps according to my pedometer. Many of those were up and down the stairs at The Toff. It’s on the second floor and the stairs are steep. I did them 5 times between 5pm and 6pm and a final trip down, plus the walk between the train and home (about 1km each way). Never mind that I danced on stage for much of the show! In a onesie. I was totes damp.
Today, I ate all the food I was meant to. I didn’t like the look of a carrot wrap, so I just repeated yesterday’s ham and corn relish wrap. Dinner was delicious, but not enough food. Until I saw that I could have a whole extra chickpea pattie! Just because I’m a man. I love being a man. More food for me. Om nom nom.
Was dead tired today, and had intended doing yesterday’s cardio plus today’s toning, but it just wasn’t happening. I got through the cardio, but then I needed to sleep. I only had 4 hrs sleep last night.
I’ve just spent two hours trying to work out how I can replace the fish dishes with the vegetarian options, and it’s not easily done. You either have to do vegetarian or not. No in between. This is going to be harder than I thought. This kind of effort is why I always abandon these kind of things. If it’s too hard, and takes too much of my time, I just don’t want to do it. I work 60-70 hours a week, I don’t really have time to fit this kind of mentalness in. Also, how do I adjust my meals for my fractured lifestyle? I have work this morning (5-10am) and then have a gig tonight (5-11pm) and if I don’t eat enough before each of them, I will fall apart half-way through.
That’s the point of this blog, I guess. Saying these things out loud, and coming up with solutions before I run aground. I have a lot of editing to do today, but I guess that is going to have to be pushed out until tomorrow to accommodate fitness and shopping. Or do I try to do editing and shopping? Editing and fitness?
I've decided I need to lose weight. Again. I make this decision every year about this time. It's November. Last year it was in September, when I kept getting kicked off roller coasters at Movie World for being too fat. My then 10yo step-monster was so disappointed. His dad, now my ex (long story, which I've never told well), was too scared to go on the rides with him, and I was too fat.
My last attempt at fat reduction, after the roller coaster rejection horror, was Weight Watchers. In principle, it's a great plan. The points are easy to calculate, and you can eat as much fruit as you like. Unfortunately, their online customer service department is atrocious. I quit the program in a flurry of fury after their third email to me that had clearly been cut and pasted from their troubleshooting FAQs. I used to be a systems administrator, so I am pretty adept at doing my own troubleshooting before contacting technical support.
I was invited to perform at an Erotic Fan Fiction event at The Wheeler Centre on Thursday, 4th October 2012 alongside Benjamin Law, Angie Hart, Briohny Doyle and hosted by John Leary. I had way too many dirty thoughts about way too many characters before I settled on these. I thought I might do Game of Thrones, but it is already so riddled with incest and paedophilia, ordinary sex seemed tame. Then I wondered if a story about Hamish doing Andy in a pillow fort would be appropriate? Perhaps not, given we have the same employer. I'm sure there's something in the staff handbook forbidding erotic fan fiction about the Friday drive show. Then I wondered if something from the world of Doctor Who might be appropriate, with Dalek suckers being utilised in all sorts of profane ways. That seemed altogether too bizarre. In the end, I opted for Downton Abbey. There is one relationship in that show that has always baffled me, because it is never explained just what their deep bond is. So I have imagined one. In keeping with the style of Downton, it takes AGES to get to anything even remotely juicy.
WARNING This story contains very graphic sexual content, and is almost definitely NSFW, or anywhere else for that matter...
Wil Anderson asked me to participate in the first FanFiction Comedy show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival on 31st March 2012. He'd seen the show in NZ and decided to bring it to Melbourne. The hilarious and whimsical pieces by the other contributors included stories about Batman's Bat Bong, Sex and the City (on the Gold Coast), the Hufflepuff Badger from Harry Potter, and a love story from Junior Masterchef: Australia. My grandmother passed away while I was writing, so I ended up spewing all of that into a Doctor Who story about Sarah Jane Smith when she was travelling with the Tom Baker incarnation of The Doctor.