In lieu of a blog entry, I have decided to paste in some short fiction I wrote over ten years ago, before I became a standup comedian. This first piece was inspired by a friend who I caught up with this weekend at a 20 year school reunion. (Yes, mamma is an old girl now!)
We had the most insane relationship, full of laughter, and now that all of the water has flowed under the bridge, I hope we can have that kind of friendship again.
This piece is very heavy, so don't go reading it if you are having an emo moment and there are sharp objects nearby.
This is a story I wrote in 1996 while enrolled in the Professional Writing and Editing course at RMIT. It was one of the winners of the Outrage Magazine Short Story Competition in 1996 in the category "Best Short Story by a writer under 25." It deals with themes of loss and grief, and the effect they have on our perception of time, which appear frequently in my work.
I know that Idol was a great big bucket of nobodies this year, but sometimes a talent bubbles to the surface when you least expect it. Jacob Butler, who I adored not only on Idol but also on X Factor, is divinely talented, and better than a reality contestant should be. His song, Coma, is being used on the Neighbours finale promo. Check out the full clip with Pippa Black here. He's not backed by a label, and deserves all our support.
I thought we were all said and done in the land of limpy, but alas, no. I have become increasingly frustrated with the lack of speed when it comes to hobbling around the place, and I may have, once or twice, put a bit too much pressure on my poor little toe and her busted phalanges. (I don't know why my little toe is female, but there you are. I think it may actually be a male toe, but because I'm camp, I call everything 'she,' regardless).
I have had a goatee or other beardy arrangement since 2001, when I turned 30. The main reason was the aftermath of a play in which I was cast as Donatella Versace. Playing a woman is a painful, depilatory, foot-binding, stilt-walking horror that I never want to experience again. Also, my fat face does not show as many signs of ageing as a thin one would, and I was forever being mistaken for a 20-something flibbertigibbet -- when I really wanted to be taken seriously as a mature thirty-year-old.
Right, so I can get a surgeon to cut my toe open and pop a steel rod in it, or I can just hobble around with sticky tape holding my toes together for a few weeks and hope for the best. I may have some arthritic pain once it heals (the fracture of my little toe is through two bones across a joint) which may or may not be circumvented by shoving steel into my foot. Then again, a foreign body in my poor little toe may cause an infection, and is the cure going to be worse than the slight discomfort I have now?
X-ray says it's a fracture. Well, two fractures, to be precise. I seem to have smashed apart two separate tiny bones in my smallest toe. I routinely put 130kg of homosexual pressure on it (yes, I sometimes walk en pointe) and it copes fine! I wonder if there was a little corpuscle down there screaming "Captain! She canna take any more!"
Tomorrow, in the continuing saga of Limpy, what does the specialist say? Strap it or shove a stick in it? Will I end up with borg-foot?
I think I may have fractured my toe. That's what the doctor tells me, anyway. It hurts! I smashed it into a wall on Monday night, dashing into the en suite to expel some beer. I put an ice pack on it, and given the hideous heat this week, it was quite an enjoyable sensation. I could move it, so I thought nothing of it and trundled off to work in the morning.
Yesterday, and today, I've wandered around. I've been to the shops. It ached a bit, and I've been limping a little, but no worse than any other time I've stubbed my stumpy toes.
Someone foolishly alerted me to the existence of the Glee soundtrack, so of course, I am now singing Don't Stop Believing, I Can't Fight This Feeling, Take a Bow and fourteen other songs at the top of my lungs in traffic.
Grief. It is different for all of us. It comes in great waves of anger, remorse, melancholy, pity, regret, sadness, relief, and a thousand other emotions, each arriving in separate shades of subtlety and strength. How do you support someone through the loss of a parent? It doesn't matter how old you are, or whether your loved one is taken suddenly or slowly, it is a loss from which you never truly recover.
I have a deadline, so of course I am blogging. I have also contemplated buying a 5.1 receiver for my bedroom, because the one in there currently is dropping channels intermittently (it's very old, pre-hdmi). I have been watching The West Wing on DVD from go to whoa, which isn't even in 5.1, so I don't know why the buggy amp is bugging me so much, but it is. I have given serious thought to scrubbing out the grouting in my shower recess.
I can't stop pushing flat bread into my face. I don't know what it is, they are all so delicious. Last night, for dinner, I made souvlaki* with yummy souva pita bread, and on Monday I had some sort of chicken and refried bean thing inside tortillas. Having all this flat bread around is probably not a good idea. As a snacky treat late last night, I spread a tortilla with peanut butter, and chowed down on it like there was no tomorrow.
I've never been much for anatomy, and felt all at sea when the alleged Beauties on 'Beauty and the Geek' were painting internal body parts on barely-dressed men. I used to be all across the radius, the ulna and the femur, when I was a geeky year 8 kid, but all of that has left me now. One thing I don't know the name of is the spew muscle. You know when you've had a good hard go at it, when all and sundry are flowing through your mouth and nostrils, the next day there is an ache in your chest.
I am frightened. I have been watching Fringe, the JJ Abrams produced X-Files-eque series starring aussies Anna Torv and John Noble, and Pacey from the creek (Joshua Jackson). I caught the second episode of the new season, which featured unexplained goings on in a small town, people being dragged into the dirt under a corn field.
Is Miranda Kerr doing the dirty on Orlando? Is one of your favourite TV stars about to quit their high-rating show? and what are those Spice Girls cooking up? Who was so drunk at the Brownlow they may have lost their job? And which celebrity had a prescription so intense, their chemist called it ‘pharmaceutical suicide?’
Which Emmy-winning star put the boot into his competition backstage? and what is behind Avril Lavigne’s marriage bust up? Did Aussie Emmy Winner Toni Collette take a swipe at the awards backstage? You’ll hear it, plus who’s been rushed to hospital with suspected alcoholic poisoning?
Why did Rove leave his show's 10th birthday celebrations with a bad taste in his mouth? Who's spent the last 90 days in alcoholics not-so-anonymous? Plus, I caught up with the stars of Glee, Matthew Morrison and the divine Jane Lynch, as well as Idol reject Casey Barnes.
It is with some regret that I have come to the decision that I can no longer continue in my role presenting celebrity gossip on the Network Ten morning program, 9am with David and Kim.
I have enjoyed my time with the program, having been part of it since it began in January 2006. My role was severely reduced in June this year, due to budget constraints, and the experience has not really been as enjoyable ever since.
It's here - the all-new, all-fabulous Fabulounge featuring The Fablog, the PodCARst and all other sorts of lunacy! Check out my FabTweets here on the left, my upcoming gigs etc on the right and all other kinds of fun and frivolity.
hey chickens, sorry i've not been updating the fablog. i had some kind of heinous sinus infection last week, and had to miss three days of work - so i am WAYYYYYY behind. luckily, the m&j show is chockers with interviews this week and i have some spare time, so i will attempt to get everything back on track.
as usual, i am tweeting like crazy - mostly during idol, which is not really rocking my world, i have to say.
Which big name star may be quitting Hollywood due to his debilitating panic attacks? Who’s the new judge on Australian Idol? Grey’s Anatomy sex tape scandal! Who’s in it and how many of them? Who is the 31 year old male celebrity unashamedly cyber-bullying a 15 year old school girl.
The celebrity mother of three sprung on video taking drugs and the hollywood star who says he’s sworn off them because of his kids.Australian Idol might not be the only show searching for a Judge, So You Think You Can Dance might be facing the same problems, plus – which young married celebrity couple with a new baby are already on the rocks?
Is Dancing with the Stars trying to cash in on Michael Jackson’s tragic passing? Idol Judge bingo – who’s in, who’s out and who’s moved on to bigger and better things? Which Aussie collapsed on stage in London, twice? Who's the highest paid star on tv in the USA and about to face the axe?
Hello Chickens! No Twitter updates this weekend, I was out and about a lot, and my portable Twitter client hasn't been connecting to the server properly, so I couldn't post. I'm updating my iPhone as I type this, and hopefully this blog post makes up for all the missing weekend nonsense tweets.
Hello Chickens! I cannot say too much about the Sandilands situation. For one thing, I am an employee of the Austereo Today Network, and anything I say regarding the situation could be misconstrued as an official statement by a company representative, and it is not my place to do that. We have people who make those statements and it has been made very clear to me that I am not one of those people, and could I please just shut up.
TEN ANNOUNCEMENT ON KYLE SANDILANDS AND AUSTRALIAN IDOL
Monday, 3 August 2009
After significant discussions and consideration over recent days, Network Ten today announced Kyle Sandilands will no longer be a judge on Australian Idol as it heads into season 7, this Sunday, 9 August.
We thank Kyle for his contribution to Australian Idol over the last four years but it has become increasingly clear that as Idol has remained a family focused show, even more so this year with the 6.30pm Sunday time slot, his radio persona has taken on a more controversial position over this period which is not in the interest of the show.
There are lots of bios for The Fabulous Adam Richard all over the internet. There's one here and here and here and also probably here (although I was never in Miami Shakedown, I don't know who that is).
If you need to put something in your scrapbook alongside odd pictures of me you've downloaded from Twitter, then feel free to copy and paste the below:
Given my obsession with 'helluloid,' my term for truly awful cinema, I am well aware of the need for bad movies. It is, after all, the bad movies that make the good movies good. Unfortunately, in between the deliriously spectacular failures and the sublime successes, there are the just plain dull. For reasons I cannot begin to unravel, these masterpieces of bland, 'dulluloid' if you prefer, all have their premiere at 30,000 feet.
okay, things went a bit pear-shaped at 8:30am on fox fm this morning. i call it "wheels fall off friday." troy ellis is reading out the free fuel friday details, while i am doing a naughty mime for michala banas. matt tilley calls attention to the shenanigans...
So, I did my show in the historic Queens Theatre in Adelaide, which was down the stabby end of Hindley Street. Hindley Street is the nightclub/stripperbar end of of Adelaide.
Then there is Rundle Mall, which is the shopping precinct, where DJ's and Myer etc are - that is the extension of Hindley Street.
Then there is Rundle Street, where all the restaurants and cafés are - which is just the extension of Rundle Mall/Hindley St. Look, there is more to Adelaide than the one big street, but you'd never know that if you didn't know where to look.
The Queens Theatre was built in 1840 and is apparently the oldest theatre on the mainland. It was only a theatre for a year, until the Adelaide Financial Crisis (oh yeah, that craps been going on forever) when everyone left for Bendigo and the gold rush. It's mostly been used as a carpark. First for horses, and then for motor cars. Now it's a Fringe venue. It's old and dusty and really atmospheric. I thought it was apt that I was doing a show about being unable to drive, in a car park, overshadowed by one of Adealide's many multi-level carparks in Playhouse Lane. (I've said it before, and I will keep saying it, not the city of churches, it's the city of multi-level car parks).
More adventures in Adelaide soon, sorry about the shitty layout. I use a really dodgy interface to update my blog. Apparently I'm moving across to something called Drupal soon. (Which sounds like my sex drive after several pints).
Mamma had quite a fun time in Adelaide. As well as my show, Driven, at the Queen's Theatre, I did spend an inordinate amount of time at the Rhino Room doing the many permutations of their weekend late show, and a guest appearance at Nick Coppin's Shaggers.
Given that the show was on at 11pm, Claire Hooper was there freakishly early!
Later that night, backstage, I got mooned by Mickey D. Pity I was a bit slow on the old Canon, all I got was undies up and pants on their way.
Backstage - Wil Anderson, Tom Gleeson and Justin Hamilton.
I have been a little bit nutty for the Twitter, as you may be able to tell, and I have been writing my Adealide show, and writing for another project that I can't really discuss here, but it is very exciting indeed.
I'm not going to tell you to donate to the bushfire appeal, that can be on your conscience, and you don't need people shoving that message down your throat on every portal you turn to. (Like Drew Barrymore with rejection in He's Just Not That Into You - btw, all the Drew bits are in the trailer).
I saw HJNTIY and interviewed Justin Long and Ginifer Goodwin, which you can find at the 9am website (if you can be bothered navigating through the bizarre video filing system they have, eventually you will find a video of me on there somewhere).
I didn't love the movie (yes, I lied to the stars - shocking!) I liked the Jennifer Connolly bits, although she did seem to be playing two characters, at home she was a romance-deprived controlling fishwife, but at work she was all fun and silliness. Jennifer Aniston was just playing herself, plausibly in love with marriage-phobic Ben Affleck, but the rest of the time she seemed to be looking down on her co-stars, especially in her family and office scenes, as if to say "Don't you know who I am? I used to be married to Brad Pitt!" Her hair is also too blonde and too long for her harried head, which is showing the distinct signs of ageing.
I also saw Watchmen and spoke to stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Malin Ackerman - more on that closer to release.
I'm twittering. I've deleted facebook and myspace, and my blog is very rarely updated, so don't expect much, but if you want to follow me, http://twitter.com/adamrichard is the place to do it. I'm so Demi and Ashton!
If you listen to the Matt and Jo Show 101.9 Fox FM Melbourne then you may be wondering where I am. I am only doing my segment after the 7:30am and 8:30am news, instead of sitting in on the whole show. While my deranged cackle will no longer be part of the show from 6-9am every day, I will be able to stay up later at night, get out to far more events, and do way more gigs. I will still be appearing on 9am with David and Kim on Network Ten, and joinging The Bunch for breakfast every Friday morning on Mix 94.5 in Perth. Also, I will be free to do much more writing, something I really want to concentrate on this year. As you can see by the posts on this page, Nicole Brady and Bridget McManus, the delightful editorial team at the Green Guide, have been giving me heaps of work doing what is essentially my dream job: watching tv for money.
Speaking (or writing, to be precise) of writing, I will be updating my fablog far more frequently. I haven't settled on a deadline day for the fablog, because essentially I have just started a new job, with new duties and these things take some working out, but never fear, there will be something in this space at least once a week. Even if it's just a sentence that says "I hate deadlines!"
Alias (Season 2 DVD)
I've been watching Alias on DVD from the beginnng (summer holidays, perfect for a dvd box set) and the second season has been brilliant fun. Guest stars galore (Christian Slater, Rutger Hauer, Ethan Hawke, the plastic surgery scar purporting to be Faye Dunaway and the radiant Lena Olin) and the stunning Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan. My only issue with Alias is one involving my suspension of disbelief. I am happy to believe that Jennifer Garner is handy in a fight, I'm fine with her mother being a KGB spy while her dad is in the CIA. I can cope with all the Rambaldi nonsense (500 year old prophet who knew about DNA and microchips) but I cannot believe that Los Angeles is such a hotbed of terrorist activity. The same goes for Kiefer Sutherland in 24. LA has only one industry - the film industry. Does Al Qaeda really want to blow up Gossip Girl?
Adam Richard took the Hole in the Wall challenge, and belly-flopped.
IT'S FUNNY because I'm fat.
Sometimes, I think I'm a very good comedian, with sparkling wit and a nice line in caustic put-downs. Sometimes I get asked to be on one of those dire "celebrity" shows, and think, "this will be the perfect vehicle for my outrageous innuendoes and camp malarkey".